My mom is having an affair with the milkman. Milkmen no longer exist. I come running down the stairs, excited for my bowl of frooty loops, when I run into the mother and the milkman tongue-punching each other's faces in a fit of rage. The father comes out to see what's going on, but he too gets slapped around by the angry mob. The next morning, we are all at school again. It's like nothing happened. We're just kids playing pretend. But then one day, Mom says that she wants us to go back home to our parents' house. She doesn't want to be alone anymore. And so we do. We get there, and it turns out that her husband has been cheating on her with another woman. Her daughter was born while they were together. They don't know how or why this happened, but now, as adults, they have decided that they must divorce him. So now we are stuck here, living with them. I'm not sure if this will ever end. So I decided to kill my father . He had cheated on me with his neighbor, who happens to be the same age as my sister. This isn't something I could take lightly. If I killed him, would my family still love me? Would I even be able to live in their house? Wait, how old is my sister again? Oh yeah, 8 years old. That means she'll be 18 before I can marry her. What kind of life am I gonna lead after marrying an 8 year old girl?I couldn't help but think about how much fun it would be to murder my dad. Then I remembered that I've never murdered anyone before. Maybe if I did it right, maybe it wouldn't hurt as much as killing someone else. After some thought, I realized that murdering my dad might actually be easier than murdering my sister. Sure, I'd probably feel guilty afterwards, but I'd also be free from guilt. Plus, since I didn't really kill my dad, I'd probably get away with it. Besides, I figured that if I killed my dad, I could always ask him to forgive me later.And so I went ahead and picked up a knife and stabbed my dad in the heart.It felt good. Really good. Like I was stabbing myself in the heart. When I woke up, my mom was crying over my body. "Why did you do that?" she asked. "Because I wanted to," I said.She looked horrified, but eventually accepted my explanation. Wait, how old am I? Oh yeah, 16.That means I'll be 21 before I can marry my sister. Wait, wait, wait, wait. How long until my sister turns 18? Well, let's say that she lives through high school. At that point, I should be ready to marry her.But I haven't told her yet. Not because I don't trust her, but because I don't want to make her worry. Even though I hate lying to people, I knew that telling her would mean more trouble than it's worth.Plus, I've already promised my brother that I won't tell him anything about my relationship with my sister.He knows everything. How old is my brother again ? Well, I guess he'll be 19 before I can marry him. Oh well.At least I got rid of him. Now I can finally focus on getting married. Wait, who am I marrying again? My best friend.Yeah, he's older than me now. His name is Chris.We met at summer camp. He's pretty cool, too. You should totally talk to him sometime. I'm cheating on Chris with my brother...and sister...and my dead dad ...but I'm trying to keep it secret. Don't tell Chris ! Don't tell your friends! Just stay quiet and try to forget about it.You don't need to explain yourself.Just remember: No matter what happens, I love you guys. > You guys, being your sister, and brother , and wife, and mother, and girlfriend, and cousin, and auntie, and uncle, and nephew, and niece, and grandpa, and godfather, and grandmother, and great-grandma, and every other human being who ever lived on earth, thank you for loving me. Sincerly, Your loved ones,your boyfriends,your husbands,your wives,your mothers,your sisters,your brothers,your fathers,your sons,your daughters,your stepmothers,your stepbrothers,your cousins,your nieces,your nephews,your uncles,your grandparents,your grandchildren,your parents,your children,your siblings,your spouses,your lovers,your partners,your families,your neighbors,your co-workers,your customers,your fellow travelers,your patrons,your fans,your employees,your clients,and everyone else who has ever touched my skin, breathed my air, drank my water, eaten my food,slept under my roof,or walked across my floor.Thank you. P.S. The milkman fucking everybody out herePermalink